semmi.

egy ilyen világban soha nem lehet belőled senki. mert ki kell robotolnod a lelkedet is, h ne kerülj az utcára. és kirobotolt lélekkel nem viszed semmire.

Song of the Stars

Pure mystery, the music created by Dead Can Dance, is. Throbs through one's veins. Opens doors and unveils secrets.

"This evening, just when I was in the middle of a story Aunt Elizabeth said she wanted me to weed the onion-bed. So I had to lay down my pen and go out to the kitchen garden. But one can weed onions and think wonderful things at the same time, glory be. It is one of the blessings that we don't always have to put our souls into what our hands may be doing, praise the gods--for otherwise who would have any soul left? So I weeded the onion-bed and roamed the Milky Way in imagination."

~ L. M. Montgomery – Emily’s Quest.

Oh, the wisdom of Emily.

I don’t plan to become a quotation blog – though it might happen –, but this must have been submitted since I can relate to it so hard. Sitting in an office is pretty much like onion weeding, most of the time, I reckon.

God, Emily, how lucky you were, not to be born into a world of multis and skyscrapers…! I envy you big time, gurl.

"This clarity made me able to behave normally, which posed some interesting questions. Was everybody seeing this stuff and acting as though they weren't? Was insanity just a matter of dropping the act?"

Susanna Kaysen - Girl, Interrupted

"I want you to notice especially that little gate over yonder. It isn't really needed. It opens only into that froggy marsh beyond the wood. But isn't it a gate? I love a gate like that--a reasonless gate. It's full of promise. There may be something wonderful beyond. A gate is always a mystery, anyhow--it lures--it is a symbol. And listen to that bell ringing somewhere in the twilight across the harbour. A bell in twilight always has a magic sound--as if it came from somewhere 'far far in fairyland.' There are roses in that far corner--old-fashioned roses like sweet old songs set to flowering. Roses white enough to lie in your white bosom, my sweet, roses red enough to star that soft dark cloud of your hair. Emily, do you know I'm a little drunk to-night--on the wine of life. Don't wonder if I say crazy things."

~ Dean Priest from L. M. Montgomery's "Emily's Quest"

It must feel awful nice to have things like that said to you... I have always had a thing for D. P. Can't get over the fact how sad his story ended. It must have been horrible for him, to get so close to happiness and then lose it completely. Even thinking of it breaks my heart. Life ain't fair, not even in novels.

Deal.

So here's my new plan for survival.

If you think it inspire's you, then do it. If you want to try, if it could help you cope, than DO IT.

All my life I've been holding back and now, when I think of opening my eyes, people are starting to tell me it's too late, I shouldn't think of these things anymore, I'm too old. But the fact is I've seen adults crack up and ruin their entire lives because they never tried when they should have.

I've nothing to lose, at least not yet. If I want to try I will try. If I want to smoke weed, I will. If I want to by a vibrator, I will. If I want to cut myself, I will. If this is necessary for continuing with life, for getting free from this trap where I am now - where I have been for YEARS now - I fucking will. I don't want to be supporting cast anymore. I want the main role. It is about time. If I won't start with it, nothing will ever change. I don't want to pretend anymore and I don't want to care about what others say or think. Not anymore.

please help me find my way back to all i hold precious!